I’ve never lost someone who was such a big of a part of my life. It has not been what I expected. For all the sadness we felt, this time has been bittersweet. So I need to start by recognizing a few people who brought good into an otherwise difficult few months.
My mom, who spent countless hours by our side – bringing love and support for Debi, Sara and I, and spiritual leadership for dad. And of course her husband Bill for the compassion not many men have.
My brother Sean, who I just haven’t seen enough. It was good to get some meaningful time together again.
My wife Rachel, who kept me focused on the things that are important. She was a blessing that came at the perfect time. During his passing, she cemented her place in this family as not only wife, but sister and daughter.
My brother-in-law David, who treated my father as if he was his own.
My sister Sara, who gave us the gift of laughter. There was a moment after my father started to lose consciousness that we were all sitting by his side. We were emotionally fried and had been uncontrollably giggling. After awhile Sara left the room and you could feel the levity leave with her. Her presence brought an emotional balance to that house that I am so grateful for.
And Debi, who sacrificed almost everything to be there for our father. She led this family through an incredibly difficult time, and we emerged better than we were before. Without her, there wouldn’t have been peace for any one of us.
And my dad, who died with openness and pure love in his heart. The way he braved his death made this a special time for all of us and will be a lesson for me when I go. If he had been emotionally closed and full of selfish concerns – which would have been his right in a situation like this – I’m not sure the rest of us could have gotten this much good from it. What a gift is that.
This is a letter than I read for my dad before he died.
Dad
In the final days of your life, you said something that I quickly noted in my phone. “ Now I understand what I couldn't understand before.” For you, the story of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane became tangible for the first time.
The night before crucifixion, Jesus asked his father if there was any other way but the cross. He found none before him.
And that’s what you came to learn too. In the end, you accepted something that was - for all the pain - natural, good and true.
Life has a funny way of broadening our perspective. When we are little, every experience is new and every moment is intense. But in our infancy we have no context for the world, no idea of the bigness beyond what we can see. As we grow, we learn to share, to experiment, to find ourselves and eventually to embrace the joys stability can bring.
Every year passes more quickly, but brings wisdom for those with the humility to understand that there is always more to learn.
Dad, on your last day, you will have the broadest perspective of us all because you got better at every part that matters.
Your heart grew bigger even as your body became frail. You learned new things about the world and about yourself, all the way to your final day. Your perspective grew bigger, and our time with you made ours bigger too.
You will close this chapter closest to family and your family closest together - attached by devotion and with you in spirit.
You were given many gifts in your life, and for that I am today as grateful as I am heartbroken.
You will have known all forms of love. You will have known faith. You will have experienced friendship, and music and dancing. Even if you didn’t do that last one much.
You will have felt sand between your toes and breathed mountain air. You got to know the mysteries lurking inside great books and sent an email on an iPhone. You were able to dream and saw potential where others could not.
You will have owned a stage and a british racing green MG convertible. You will have been respected in business and a published writer. You will have mastered fear of loss and recovered from it too. You will have held your children and your grandchildren – and watched them all grow. You will have been the protector, the teacher, the cheerleader, our dad.
For me, I’m grateful I had the dad who loudly wooted encouragement at my soccer games whenever I did anything remotely positive. The dad who got the 3am phone calls for help, and answered every one. The dad that gave me independence when I needed it. The dad that gave me direction when I could find little of my own. The dad that told me he loved me more times than I can count. The dad that treated me as an adult and cared for me as a father.
Each of us play only small roles in a much bigger story. Our time passes too hastily and most of it is forgotten by history. So it can’t be accomplishments alone that make our legacy, but the sum of all the things we’ve learned and all the good that we’ve shared.
And now it will be our turn to carry on the things that mattered to you when you had learned the most.
For you dad, I promise to show kindness even when it’s not expected, to be quick to love, to not anger easily, to think to family first. I promise to live with ambition, to cheer loudly, and to spend more time listening. I promise to welcome others with warmth and openness. I promise to find peace in knowing that wherever I am is where I’m meant to be.
My hope is that each of us live with the grace, dignity, gratitude, and peace that you had when you left this earth.
Thank you dad for all your gifts.